by Michael dEstries
Categories: People
Tags: .

knutbeer.jpgAdding even more sadness to what is quickly becoming a typical Hollywood career implosion, Knut the polar bear was arrested today along the Pacific Coast Highway while driving under the influence. Malibu police also found trace amounts of cocaine and heroine in a cooler filled with sardines in the back seat. “We think he was attempting to ditch the cooler into the ocean immediately after we pulled him over,” officer Aprile Pazzo commented. “We quickly tranquilized him and called in refrigeration backup.”

Even more disturbing, it appears that Knut was caught hurling species-related slurs while stumbling out of his vehicle. “He pretty much condemned the human race and said we were destroying his homeland,” Pazzo continued. “It was then that he offered to hook me up with DiCaprio if I would let him off with a ticket. Too bad for him, I’m a Johnny Depp fan.”

As a child-actor, Knut rose to fame by appearing as a symbol of climate change. After a string of magazine cover appearances, book deals, and movie contracts, the pressures of Hollywood really started to take a toll. “I just could not believe how much weight he gained in such a short period of time,” exclaimed former trainer Madge Prisney. “From a cuddly 30lbs to over 250lbs in just one year! It’s hard to watch.”

Knut is currently being held in an undisclosed location until law officials figure out the next course of action. “He’ll need rehab for sure,” added officer Pazzo. “And you can bet those people from True Hollywood Story are going to come calling. If I were him, I’d just catch the next iceberg out of town.”

It’s worth noting that today is April 1st.

About Michael dEstries

Michael has been blogging since 2005 on issues such as sustainability, renewable energy, philanthropy, and healthy living. He regularly contributes to a slew of publications, as well as consulting with companies looking to make an impact using the web and social media. He lives in Ithaca, NY with his family on an apple farm.

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  • Sharlene

    Since his arrest, unconfirmed sources close to the superstar say that he is expected to make a guest appearance on ” The O’Reilly Show” to explain the real circumstances surrounding his arrest.
    His agent has already received overtures from the producers of of “Flavor of Love” who are interested in having him among the contenders for Flavor Flav’s love in next year’s show. It is expected however that Knut will join the cast of “Celebrity Fit Club” and sing back-up on Amy Winehouse’s acapella version of “They want to send me to rehab”. Knut was unavailable for comment.

  • michael

    That’s hilarious Sharlene. I recently heard the same thing…

  • Sharlene

    Great site, great parody and great bear. Well done Michael.

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  • http://none Jean Rathbun

    no comment