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Japan Announces New Research Campaign To Study Extinction

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Drawing ever-increasing ire from conservation groups, Japan today announced a new campaign to study the effects of extinction on a particular species. “We’ve had great success in studying how whales die when hit with explosive harpoons,” said project leader Yamaoto Hodeoshi. “But we’re lacking data on what extinction might do to a species and its ecosystem. We must go further than ever before.”

The new extinction research, which exploits a loophole in international endangered species protection, comes on the heels of Japan’s successful opposition to a global export ban on the devastated bluefin tuna. According to leaked documents, Japan plans on using the complete destruction of the bluefin, predicted to happen within the next few years, as a springboard for studying other species on the brink of extinction.

“Once we have confirmed that not a single bluefin tuna swims on earth, we’ll next move on to polar bears, mountain gorillas, giant pandas, and of course, tigers,” confirmed Hodeoshi. “We hope that by assisting in the destruction of these species, we can learn how best to protect other creatures in need of our support — particularly if they’re worth a lot of money.”

It’s worth noting that today is April 1st.

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