PETA Launches “Hearse Tour” To Counter KFC's Double Down
What do you get when you stuff two breaded, deep-fried chicken breasts with two equally sizzling bacon strips, a congealed pepper jack-Swiss cheese combo and a liberal slathering of secret recipe mayonnaise in your mouth? Those who have already dared to indulge in KFC’s confounding new 540 calorie klucker of a bun-free sandwich might no longer be among the living to share the blow by blow details of their severe cholesterol and fat asphyxiation, so fortunately our friends at PETA have taken it upon themselves to speak on behalf of the dearly departed via their upcoming national KFC hearse tour.
Someone’s got to wave their fists at KFC, and PETA is precisely the right organization to do it. In just a few weeks time, the animal rights group intends to kick start their KFC Double Down awareness campaign in Louisville, Kentucky – home of the Colonel’s infamous yet nutritionally corrupt “finger lickin’ good” chicken. Hitting the road in an ominous black hearse covered with such typically tactful PETA-style slogans as “KFC Kills Chickens! And You?” as well as “Double Down Equals Quadruple Bypass“, they hope to spread awareness among the general population that consuming such caloric monstrosities will lead to an early curtain call.
PETA has had a long, tenuous relationship with the 80 year old chicken shack (particularly within the last 7 years) due to their failure to adhere to basic animal welfare standards, which has resulted in well over 12,000 protests. PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman says that their feathers are really ruffled this time because, “KFC is now taking aim at its customers” with their new “death-defying, fat and sodium-laden (Double Down) sandwich”, suggesting that the palace of deep-fried munchies “might be in line for an award from wreath-makers and mortuaries.”
We all have freedom of choice, however. If any of us find ourselves hankering for a naughty but nice substitute, we can always scarf down the veganized version or….holey moley, how about just avoiding KFC’s new menu selection altogether? Is America really that dumb? Please…no answers…this a rhetorical question. Time to let our common sense take over, people!