On this week’s episode of SNL, travel writer Judy Grimes (played hysterically by Kristen Wiig), appeared on Weekend Update to discuss her recent trip to France.
Grimes is a popular Update character who’s super nervous about being on camera, so she speaks a mile a minute and always says “just kidding.” In this monologue, Judy discusses why she doesn’t drink milk and we thought it was funny enough to transcribe and share with you.
After being offered a glass of water to calm her nerves, Judy nervously burst into this monologue:
“I don’t drink water at all, I drink milk. Just kidding. I can’t drink milk cause it makes my tummy cramp. Just kidding. I can’t drink milk because I feel bad for the cows. Just kidding. It doesn’t hurt when cows give milk. Just kidding. It does if you pull too hard. Just kidding. It doesn’t; it turns them on. Just kidding. That’s gross. Just kidding. That’s nature. Just kidding. It’s nurture. Just kidding. It is nature, but cows love to give milk…but they would like to get paid. Just kidding. They don’t want money, they want cow bucks. Just kidding. They don’t want cow bucks, they want Starbucks. Just kidding. They can’t drink coffee, but they would like a gift card. Just kidding. They can’t redeem it cause they’re not allowed in. Just kidding. They are but they left their cards in the barn. Just kidding. They don’t have gift cards, but you do. Just kidding.”
Hey, we don’t drink milk either, Judy!
Wanna hear the whole monologue? Check out the video below and get ready to laugh your face off!