The Onion – so witty, so controversial, and so damn educational.
In a new satirical commentary from a fictional beef farmer titled “We Raise All Our Beef Humanely On Open Pasture And Then We Hang Them Upside Down And Slash Their Throats,” the website has once again done a masterful job of exposing some dark truths that are otherwise glossed over when someone sees the words “humanely raised” on a package of meat.
A highlight from the article:
“As owner and president of Nature’s Acres and a lifelong rancher myself, let me assure you that our animals are treated with exceptional care using only traditional methods from the very second the calf is born on our farm, to the moment a cascade of blood showers from its gaping, half-severed neck, to the day our award-winning beef reaches the grocer’s case in the organic section.
“When we shackle a chain to a hind leg of each of our cows and hoist its terrified, quivering frame 12 feet up to the rafters, we can see firsthand just how tender, meaty, and well-marbled its entire body is—and that means exceptional flavor for you and your family!
“While frail and pharmaceutical-laden factory-farm cows just droop lifelessly while awaiting their deaths, our healthy, GMO-free cattle thrash about wildly in the air, very often tearing their own delicate flesh and shattering their leg bones in a hopeless attempt to flee to the nearby 100 percent organic grassland pastures where they were free to roam during their unnaturally truncated lives.”
I commend whoever wrote this piece for the site. In many ways it does a better job of educating people on the horrors of slaughterhouses than some past animal rights campaigns. The pompous tone of righteousness, which accurately mimics so much of the BS marketing for the industry out there, is yet another reminder of how far removed we’ve become when it comes to valuing the lives of animals.