Dear Jimmy Fallon,
We love you. We really do. But we have some beef with you, which is kind of ironic since most of our staff is either vegan or vegetarian.
Last night you featured a beautiful elephant named Roxy on your show. She picked you up by her trunk and stomped on some fruit. The crowd loved it! Then your ‘animal expert’ (how do you even become one of those anyway?), Jeff Musial, taught everyone about the sad reality of elephants saying “People don’t understand, they’re disappearing so fast in the wild that conservation is a big thing with these guys.”
Did he tell you how Roxy got there, though? Because it’s been a rough and torture-filled journey. Even worse than what the people in charge of editing together the Brian Williams rap videos go through (seriously, how long does it even take them to do that?!). Roxy was taken from the wild to star in the Tarzan Zerbini Circus. They’ve been cited by the USDA for their poor treatment of animals. In fact, in 1999, they got in trouble for not giving Roxy proper veterinary care for a swollen foot.
After she retired from the circus life, she went to live in Florida, but the Two Tails Ranch where she lives is no relaxing condo with an ocean view. It’s actually owned by the circus owner’s daughter, Patricia Zerbini, and she rents out elephants for events like your show.
I know what you’re thinking. Okay, so she needs to work sometimes instead of just sitting around. No big deal. So do The Roots, right? Except that her awesome tricks aren’t really something she does willingly. To get her to do her performance, her trainers use something called a bullhook, a rod topped with a pointed, metal head. Imagine having to rehearse for ‘Tight Pants’ while someone keeps prodding you with a sharp metal object that pierces your sensitive skin until you get it right. Not fun. Eventually you’d become terrified of that bullhook and just the sight of it would be enough to make you start moving your hips. That’s why the trainers who were with you on stage were carrying those. They were a threat to Roxy.
Jimmy, we know you’re awesome and that you must love animals. You trusted your own dog to predict America’s next president, for goodness sakes! He may have gotten it wrong, just like you when you sided with Liam Neesom on the New York horse carriages issue, but, hey, we all do things we regret sometimes, right? Just ask J.Law about the time she asked J.Lo to dance after you and her had way too many drinks.
The point is, we know you’re better than using tortured, sad animals like Roxy for entertainment. You are a major player on television and you could set a tremendous example by vouching not to do that anymore. There’s even a petition urging you to do that. It’s not like those live animals can do anything funnier or more impressive than Hashtag the dancing panda anyway.
The Concerned Animal Lovers at Ecorazzi