Peppa Pig: Vegan Extremist
In the town of Ibague, in the Tolima district of Colombia, reports are surfacing of a group of parents that have taken to social media to end the influence of everyone’s favourite vegan extremist, Peppa Pig.
A beloved British children’s television program starlette, Peppa rose to fame in 2004. After a brief hiatus (and rumoured rehab stint), she returned to silver screens worldwide in 2015 to show people that pigs with clothes, cars, and a strong english vocabulary are a force to be reckoned with. Alongside her friends the rabbits, the sheeps, and Mr. Potato (she’s not speciesist), Peppa doesn’t exist just to teach your children manners, colours, and numbers. Indeed, between her human-esque interactions, she snorts what can only be translated as “go vegan, piss off your parents.” And not once is she cooked or eaten.
Kids, in their infinite wisdom, have started turning down the region’s popular Lechona dish, which features whole roasted and stuffed pig, because they see Peppa on their plates. One parent said. “I stopped my kids from watching the program with that pig (Peppa), until one day at lunch time they started crying when they saw we were serving up Lechona.”
Another asinine parent cried “I was really worried in December when my kids asked me for Peppa Pig toys to play with, and weren’t interested in cooking.” Heaven forbid a child find toys fun, instead of seeing them for their real purpose; to personify their parent’s choices for them.
Since kids refusing to eat animals is a disaster for closed-minded adults, the head of the Tolima Police Department was contacted. Colonel Carlos Herrera actually had to explain to this mob that the police can’t control a) what’s on tv b) what’s sold in toy stores or c) the innate morals and ethics of not appropriately brainwashed children.
The obvious solution here is to keep our children from watching any programming that shows happy, friendly, or wisecracking animals (you know…all children’s programming). It could seriously threaten the very culture we depend on. After all, the
children pork farmers are our future.
*This is a satirical piece based off of a hilarious spoof news piece*