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Even The Aardvarks Didn’t See This Coming

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Shocking news has emerged that the military is investigating the alleged telepathic abilities of aardvarks and their potential use as undercover intelligence agents.

The story starts in June 2015, when the South African newspaper “Tweespruit Chronicle” reported that local farmer Ernst Blofeld had encountered a telepathic aardvark while erecting fencing at his ranch a few miles south of the township. “I was digging holes for the fence posts when I clearly heard a voice asking me to dig somewhere else” said Ernst. “I turned and saw this aardvark looking at me and he telepathically told me that the local aardvark population used that place for mating rituals and pointed out where it was safe to dig. When I had finished the fencing, I heard the aardvark giving me what I interpreted as a mental thumbs-up.” Subsequently, it was reported that several aardvarks had been captured in the Tweespruit area and taken to somewhere in Bloemfontein. Suspicions were aroused when trucks carrying poorly concealed termite mounds were often seen entering the grounds of Bloemfontein University. A spokesperson confirmed that some aardvarks were being housed in the zoology department but would not reveal the reason for this. Further reports concerned an unusual volume of military vehicles visiting the campus.

Undercover investigators from animal charity Prevent the Exploitation of Telepathic Aardvarks (PETA) have now revealed that scientists at the university are staring at aardvarks for hours at a time in attempts to telepathically communicate with them. The University’s Head of Psychology, Pieter Annteeter, admitted that the experiments were being funded by the military of a number of nations but would not be more specific. “We are exploring the possibility that suitable animals could be infiltrated into termite infested areas of potentially unsympathetic countries where they could telepathically report any potentially problematic activity”, he said. When asked if the United States was involved in these experiments, Head of Covert Operations General Duane Howitzer said: “If you can’t read my mind, read my lips; that information is classified.”

PETA spokesperson, Lukas Pleezdonayte, said: “We are concerned that the welfare of these animals is not being properly considered, for example, they need to be provided with regular breaks for burrow digging and termite snuffling. We appreciate the importance of this research but those involved should appreciate that a happy aardvark is an efficient aardvark. Please sign our petition to ensure they are properly treated and join our regular on-campus protests where female supporters scantily dressed as termites reinforce the message.”

None of the aardvarks involved were available for comment, telepathically or otherwise.

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