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Six ways to help animals without going vegan

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It seems like everywhere you turn, there’s another campaign promoting veganism. Not since the Sarah McLaughlin shelter ads of the 90’s have I spent so much time feeling bad for cute animals! But no matter how hard these advocates try to get to me with the thick-eyelashes of a calf, I can’t bring myself to give up all the things I love most in life (re: cheese, hello) to go vegan. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to help! I’d just prefer to do it in my own way, and that’s through signing meaningful petitions that instantaneously stop the cruelties and injustices other people are exacting on animals. You don’t have to give up anything because you’re only a click or two away from helping animals. That’s right, there’s TONS of petitions in the world worth signing, like the following six. 

1. Tell The Prime Minister of Thailand to Stop Forcing Orangutans to Perform in Boxing Matches

Orangutans are so intelligent, and so majestic, and so much like humans, and we wouldn’t force a human to fight another one for our entertainment. I bet some of these orangutan athletes have dreams of competing in more popular sports, too.

2. Tell the National Institute of Health to Stop Wasting Taxpayer Dollars on Cruel Animal Experiments

How rude. I only condone animals experiments when a) they help cure cancer, b) they make sure baby shampoo is safe for human baby use or c) when I don’t have to think about my taxpayer dollars funding them directly.

3. Tell These Fundraisers Not to Terrify and Abuse Donkeys for a Fundraiser

The organizers of this petition have it right, “Donkeys don’t belong on basketball courts.” Besides, fundraising by selling items of exploitation is so much less in-your-face-offensive then actually exploiting animals in person. Air Bud set a terrible precedent.

4. Tell Little Caesars To Stop the Animal Cruelty and Go Cage-Free!

I won’t order another hot-n-ready pizza until Little Caesars at least promises to change the way they kill animals by 2028. Don’t they know we’d be happier consumers if they gave us happier exploitation? I don’t want a side of guilt with my stuffed crazy bread, gosh.

5. Tell the Mexican Government to Stop Bludgeoning Animals to Death

Who cares if they subsidize and profit directly off of animal use, the Government should really quit it with all the bludgeonings. There are way more compassionate ways to treat the animals we send for slaughter.

6. Tell Domino’s You want vegan pizza

Eating vegan pizza is the fastest way to help animals – I mean, 30 minutes or less! Over 36,000 people have already signed this petition, so you know it’s important. They’re definitely not all vegan, too, because they get it.

So there you have it. You haven’t gone vegan, but you’ve already practically signed and sealed a vegan pizza party invitation for all the less fortune donkeys and orangutans of the world. Every step counts, and these petitions are like running an animal rights marathon. Especially if you make sure you post one on your Facebook wall every three to five minutes (anything less is unfair to animals). You really don’t have to go vegan to help animals at all.

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If the date didn’t give it away, this is a parody piece! However, all these petitions are really happening. The only way to help animals is to go vegan and unequivocally refuse to participate in their exploitation. In a vegan world, we won’t have to demand that animals aren’t used in entertainment or labs or that restaurants offer vegan options. Our demand will drive it! Education is our greatest tool, and making even one new vegan will do more to save animals than the goal number of signatures on any given petition. It begins with your own actions. Please go vegan, and help others to go vegan. 

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