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Why Internet Spam is Offensive to Vegans

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One of the world’s best known animal advocacy groups is campaigning for new terms to replace some of those in the field of Information Technology to avoid causing offence to vegans or perpetuating harmful stereotypes about animals.

The worldwide web, it insists, should be renamed the “worldwide latticework”, since one trigger for arachnophobia is the ability of spiders to set sticky traps from which their prey can’t escape. Almost like the endless arrival of unwanted updates on the petitions that this group sends out once you’re foolish enough to enter your email address into the form that they will send to the mayor of any town that dares to use an animal with appealing facial features for anything other than food.

And on that note, “internet spam”, it insists, should be renamed “internet soy-based canned faux meat that will fool your relatives into becoming vegan”. Watch out for a lab-based version of this coming later this year; it’s made from the stem-cells of real canned microchips, and it actually bleeds! There’ll be a massive fundraiser for this in the near future, so start digging behind those sofa cushions for spare change now.

Your browser may soon be configured to allow “rice cakes” in the name of equality (protected by human rights law) since not all cookies are suitable for vegans.

All versions of Windows will henceforth be required to carry decals to stop birds flying into them, and mouse pads will be covered in shavings so that your mouse has somewhere cosy to hide.

We contacted Dieter Zinger (who is awaiting the results of a DNA test to find out if he is, in fact, the father of the animal rights movement), who never responded to our request for a comment. Perhaps our email went into his internet soy-based canned faux meat that will fool your relatives into becoming vegan folder.

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