This week in the veganverse V
I keep questioning why I put myself through the heavy burden of reading the news, but like a mother bird pre-digesting her baby bird’s eats, I feel I am helping you grow by whittling down the weekly vegan propaganda into small, bite-sized morsels of trash. Will you one day leave the nest and soar over your own pastures of literary manure? Likely, but I’ve got at least one more week of you in my nest.
People are mad, mad at a couple that thought the adoption process was synonymous with grocery shopping. Yup, some shit-head couple on Vancouver Island rescued a pig named Molly, only to exact the same horrifying end for her that her rescue tried to promise her sanctuary from. So while the RCMP reminds us it’s totally legal to kill and eat your property, and VICE proves “but bacon” jokes are still funny to the general public, I’m wondering why farm animal rescue questionnaires don’t include a bit where they ask if you still regularly use farm animals. It’s remains confusing to me that anyone non-vegan would be interested in the rescuing of an animal they are also regularly guilty of exploiting, or why vegans are so baffled a non-vegan could think to do this. Compartmentalization is a scary thing!
It’s every vegans nightmare – going to a luxury resort and being forced to eat only perfectly ripe, buttery avocado. More accurately, that’s the vegan dream. But Forbes is still excited to detail all the high-end resorts outside of my budget (but apparently catered to millennials?) that haven’t figured out that avocado is best in combination with the rest of the greens rainbow. These “vegan holidays” are more or less just opportunities to eat plant-based food without venturing off resort property, but at least vegan toiletries are brought to attention once. I’m still excited when I Airbnb and there’s nut milk in the fridge but there’s no doubt that with so many choices, we’ll all go from being grateful for an avocado option to picking and choosing our trips based solely on the variety of vegan menus.
Another MFA blog, another inaccurately labelled vegan celeb. I don’t really know Fifth Harmony or the member that goes by Lauren, but a simple tweet that read “Trying my best to be vegan/plant based (even though I do fail sometimes (I’m Cuban it’s hard af to not eat meat)” does not mean she’s initiated into the vegan hall of fame. If she really wants to be celebrated for being a champion to the animals, perhaps we can slot her in between Ellen Degeneres and Beyoncé in the basement of the vegan archives, filed under “only vegan to the media.”
Following the footsteps of the original anti-vegan campaign –Meatless Monday–the folks dishing up plates of exploitation are pushing #meatymarch in hopes of usurping it. Is anyone else curious about the age of the marketing team responsible for the various channels of animal agriculture? If they just learned how to hashtag, will we have to suffer through a six-second Vine video phase, too? I’d say rest easy because there are way more plant-based foods that start with ‘A’ when they go to brainstorm for April, but I wouldn’t put it past someone to try to make #apranimalproducts a thing. Let’s all just try to minimize the #militantveganmarch a little, because no one has ever hinged their decision to go vegan on which hashtag got the most attention.
Put away your tallow filled five dollar notes, there’s a new currency in town that promises to be cruelty free. VeganCoin is the cryptocurrency of VeganNation, hailed as the first vegan-friendly community platform that will feature a marketplace for vegan products, services, and more. If you’re an avid gimmick currency skeptic, this is probably ringing in somewhere on the plausibility metre right around Doge Coin.
It’s my fifth veganverse recap piece, so you’ve scrolled to the end to find the Star Wars reference. Well, the galaxies biggest fanboy and Force Awakens Stormtropper voice actor Kevin Smith has made it into the vegan news! No, it’s not because his vegan daughter Harley Quinn talked him into eating at Doomie’s again. Smith suffered a heart attack this week which provoked him to consider going vegan. Oh, how my heart would flourish if veganism got the nerd vote.