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“Gigi the Diva Cow” is Producing a LOT of Milk, and is Probably Tired of our Shit

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You guys, Northern Colorado’s public radio station is really excited about their newly crowned Queen Dairy Cow. Gigi the Holstein cow has produced a record number of milk in the past year, 74,650 pounds to be exact. It’s triple what the average dairy cow is expected to produce, and if there’s one thing we love above all else here in the US of A, it’s exorbitant production!

Gigi’s owner Robert Behnke has a lot to say. “Gigi does what she wants. She’s smart and driven. The barn where she resides had to be outfitted with locks because the cow learned to unlatch the gate,” Now, I know I’m just going out on a limb here, but if you switch out the words “smart and driven” with, “desperate to escape a life of forced impregnation and having her babies stolen,” I think we’ll really be cooking with gas.

On the “stolen babies” front, the Behnke family is planning to begin selling Gigi’s super-cow embryos, because as humans, there’s really nothing that makes us feel more powerful than fucking around with genetics for the purposes of exploiting other species and making personal gains. The Behnke’s are set to make a tidy profit by populating the United States with a few more massively swollen udders.

My only hope is that Gigi’s calves inherit the same “fuck you, I’m out!” attitude as their mama, and escape to some nice sanctuaries. At least then, they won’t be subject to milk production and the bizarre-o world of midwestern livestock shows with categories such as “Best Udder.”

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