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How I Went Vegan and Gained Ten Pounds Because I Like To Fucking Eat

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Author’s note: Look, before anyone has kittens over this one, (I know you’re out there, Sexy Slim Instagram Vegan) exercise your sense of humor for once, yeah? Plenty of folks do lose weight when going vegan and reach what is healthy for them. At the same time, many of us don’t have bodies that are “thin” despite reaching a good spot in our nutrition, so enough with the articles glamorizing Ultimate Fit Vegan. Live a little. Eat a goddamn cookie. Trim down your list of hashtags. I’m typing this shit with frosting fingers and life has literally never tasted better.

If you had told me when I went vegan a few years ago that I wouldn’t magically turn into a tan blonde with bulging abs, slender arms, and perky boobs, I probably would have screamed “fuck you, liar!” and thrown a block of Treeline cheese at you. I was promised by the Sexy, Slim, Fit population of the vegan world that I was on my way to ultimate skinny babe-hood and my god, I would stop at nothing to achieve this.

Look, if there’s one thing that scared me, it was the stereotype of being a patchouli-carrying birkenstock-wearing chuckle-fuck hippie. I felt so threatened by this stereotype, in fact, I was willing to let animals be violently exploited and tortured to make up for my own lack of self esteem! I would literally have rather had animals killed on my behalf than have a single person assume I owned a goddamn frisbee. Luckily, with the ‘Sexy Veganism’ movement, I was assured that I would remain safely in the realm of what is socially acceptable for a young, gender-role obsessed woman in the Year of Our Lord, Plant-Based Diet Eating Beyonce, 2016.

How can veganism be sexualized, you may ask? In the words of Dr. Malcolm from Jurassic Park, “Sexualized Veganism, uh, finds a way.”

“Don’t think of it as going vegan, think of it as going thin,” the Sexy Vegan bloggers told me again and again. “You’re going to be fully cleansed, and glowing! TRULY glowing. Sweating, actually… sweating-slash-glowing, and cleansed. It’s all because you’re going to be constantly shitting! If you aren’t shitting, you’re probably just a terrible, filthy person. A slow metabolism is DEFINITELY a side effect of being an awful person, so if you have extra belly fat, we can’t help you. Oh, and don’t think for one goddamn minute you can join our blogging networks.”

On my first outing to an all-vegan restaurant in DC, I was surprised to learn that they served actual calories in most of their dishes as opposed to an entree of steamed broccoli salted by my own tears.

lauren

“You mean…” I asked, “You mean, I can eat more than a small bowl of almonds lightly seasoned by a layer of pure oxygen?” AND BOY, COULD I. Vegan mac and cheese, vegan grilled cheese, vegan CHEESECAKE, vegan pizza, vegan pizza WITH EXTRA VEGAN CHEESE, vegan bacon, vegan chicken nuggies, vegan buffalo wings, (some even come with a stick inside, DON’T EAT THE STICK!) vegan marshmallows, vegan cupcakes, vegan butter (eat it with a spoon!), vegan baked ziti, vegan milkshakes, vegan chocolate, vegan ice cream, vegan ice cream sammies, and my personal favorite, vegan avocados.

As I sat at my table for one, having just consumed a heaping plate of chicken drummies and DOUBLE side dishes, I patiently waited for a Sexy Instagram Vegan to come kick the door down. She had to be out there somewhere, had her vegan pre-workout supplement, fresh out of the gym where she had been busy at work, bench-pressing the bodies of two average weight women and screaming at them until they promised to never eat white bread ever again (“You’re bad, bad girls who eat bad, bad carbs!!!”). Mysteriously enough, she never showed. It’s my assumption she got too caught up in running her campaign for PETA’s Sexiest Vegan Next Door 2k16 and had been talked into a photoshoot involving bean-sprout pasties.

After a few months of eating a fairly balanced diet and not treating myself like a living Real Doll, I was shocked that I was no more slender than I had been before, and had actually gained weight due to the fact that I enjoy consuming food that tastes good. Are you sure you should really eat both halves of this avocado? said some fuck-all voice in the back of my head. Yes, I answered, yes I want to eat both halves! With salt. On sourdough.

“Damn, girl!” yelled the frat boys as they passed me downtown, “do those thighs get as expansive as your ethical principles?!” I’m certain now. If frat boys, easily the most masculine beings on the entire gender spectrum, find me sexy, I am definitely sexy.

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0 Comments
  • Eva Advocate

    <3

    • Lalasunflower

      Omg please more .gifs!

  • RalphUNC

    I’m a DC vegan who also enjoys tasty food! Hooray Woodlands and Sticky Fingers!!!!

    • Lalasunflower

      No way! Glad to meet other DC folx!

  • Gillian Moynihan

    Here. For. This.

  • Best. Ever. You won our Facebook group today.

    • Lalasunflower

      I would like to thank the academy and this Chana masala for sustaining me…

  • 2ndverse

    This is the best thing I have ever read. ILU <3

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