According to Gloria Steinem and Madeline Albright, my Bernie Lovin’ Ass is Going to Hell
See, as you all know by now, I am a huge Bernie Sanders fan – well, at least I was. See, Gloria Steinem was right all along. In a talk show appearance on Bill Maher last week, Steinem suggested that older women were far more radicalized as feminists, and young women who support Sanders are only doing it because we want to meet boys. We horny, horny young feminists! “When you’re young, you’re thinking: ‘Where are the boys? The boys are with Bernie,” she said, and I about choked on my Kombucha when I heard the words come out of her mouth.
She’s totally right! See, I only #feltthebern because of my insatiable sexual appetite, and now that I’ve finally landed myself a Nice Socialist Man, I don’t know what in the world I should do. Throw my ideals out the window? Toss my voting card into the fire? No, friends! It’s time for me to rise up and vote for Hillary Clinton now that my endless vacuum of a leftist vagina has been satisfied. I don’t need boys anymore, I need bitter second wave feminists to guide me and rehabilitate the hypersexual she-demon I have become.
Of course, on her Facebook yesterday, our mother of feminism Steinem released the mother of “sorry, not sorry!” apologies on her fan page, telling us we had misinterpreted her words. Oh no, I didn’t misinterpret anything, Steinem. I’ve been a very Bad Feminist, and it’s time I pay my dues. How do I rid myself of my commie boyfriend? Do I drive some kind of stake through his heart, or is the correct technique to repeat “Trickle Down Economics” three times in a mirror before finally being able to vanquish him? Is it as easy as voting with my vagina?
It gets worse, reformed Bernie Ladies. According to Madeline Albright, I’m going to hell for not having not supported another woman. There’s apparently a “special place” for me. Will I be cleansed? Bring on the holy water, and I sure hope it’s cold, because this scum sucking road whore needs to be iced down after my devilish dance with Bernie!