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Ex-Vegetarian Hates That Son Eats Pork

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This is a parody response to a letter sent in to Harriet at Lamar Ledger. Check out her real answer here.

Dear Harriette: I am a mother of a 7-year-old who loves pork. I haven’t eaten pork or red meat since my mid-20s because I don’t believe it’s healthy; I was even a vegetarian for a few years. Needless to say, I’ve been trying to keep my kid away from pork and red meat, too. So, how might I have come to have a 7-year-old who loves it, you ask? The problem is that my ex-husband does not share the same ideals I do. Whenever he goes over to his house, he eats pork — or “real bacon,” as he calls it — or eggs with ham. I don’t want to seem like too much of a stickler, but I’m not happy about this. Is this something I should speak to my ex-husband about? — Vexed Ex-Vegetarian, Syracuse, New York

Dear Vexed Ex-Vegetarian,

Pardon my hijacking of Harriet’s forum. Can you tell me how many nights you’ve been kept awake, seeing visions of your child elbow deep in pork products? I find your question preposterous, as singling out one type of meat over another is a bit of media brainwashing. When you mention this prejudice as coming from a place of health concerns, I question if you son is allowed sugar, dairy, or any of the typical food bribes parents give their kids. It can’t hurt to your talk to your ex about your son’s diet, but you probably do want it to hurt him a bit, so put your fingers in your ears and say “la la la”this is what I want.” Just be sure you’re absolutely clear why you and your son aren’t eating bacon anymore.

How? I recommend going vegan, a much easier argument then “but pork is unhealthy, waaaahhh!” Bring your child to a farm, introduce him to a pig, and remind him about love and mutual respect for all sentient beings. This might help strengthen your own resolve when given the choice to sneak some meat away from your son’s judging eyes. Then, watch your ex squirm when he can’t give your son eggs, ham, or bacon.

But seriously, eliminating all animal products from your son’s diet, and your own, is the only way to ensure your food policing will continue to be a matter discussed among strangers. Welcome to the team!

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