10 easy steps for going vegan in 20 years
Everywhere you look, people are advocating that we need to go vegan overnight. How unrealistic! We at Ecorazzi know that you’re not ready to give up cheese, skip out on your company outing to Medieval Times, or take the time to consider each and every purchase you make. Your journey is an important one, and we have 10 easy steps that will help you go vegan by 2036. Let’s start helping ourselves and the animals!
- Your first baby step should be to donate to animal charities. They’re helping animals eventually, but you can feel better today. Animals need the $5 you’d spend on coffee more anyway. The billion dollar industries that exploit animals can be combated by our contributions alone.
- Meatless Monday is a great way to overhaul your diet! You can substitute tofu, pulses, and a full-on solo cheese fondue party as long as you don’t touch meat. Don’t worry about the rest of the week, as long as your meat is ethical, humane, grass-fed, and has a higher welfare rating than what the person in line behind you is buying.
- It’s important to throw out all of the fur you own. Bonus points for the people who don’t own any real fur, you’re basically already vegan because not wearing fur is the toughest part. Also, the fur industry is the cruelest, don’t you think?
- You should probably begin retweeting each and every thing Ricky Gervais says about animals. You’re going to want your friends and family to know how you feel about animals, and non-vegan celebrities have the best approach. A Beyonce ‘Kale’ t-shirt is another good signal for people to know you’re with it. Oh, and if your Facebook feed isn’t dominated by cute animal videos or advice columns from liberal news pieces, you’re not doing enough.
- Social media can also be so helpful for motivation to stick to your goals! Post pictures of all the zucchini noodles and quinoa pilaf you force yourself to eat, and don’t worry about whether or not they taste good when you share the recipes. This step is really about educating others about what they should be eating so they can match your weight-loss and glow. Don’t forget the #whatveganseat hashtag!
- Don’t forget, you’re not helping animals if you’re not an animal rights activist. Find a die-in, or some other corporately promoted animal event, and take your clothes off at it. Scream at at least fourteen people passing by, and assure them that it’s okay to keep eating dairy as long as they join the protest and also stop eating eggs from caged-chickens. Everyone knows chickens and cows are not as cute, smart, or important as orcas and gorillas.
- To be 100% vegan, don’t skip this crucial step: fight with people who promote veganism as a moral baseline. This can really only be done online, and is easiest with a fake profile. Tell them how much you heart PETA, and how their efforts are worthless compared to yours. It’s not fair when they criticize others who aren’t vegan, and the only way they’ll learn is if we call them names. Remember, you don’t need to be fully vegan to fight for animals.
- You might look and sound like a total vegan, but do you feel like one? You’re going to need to do a plant-based juice cleanse, get at least one animal-themed tattoo, and begin yoga if you really want radical change for yourself. You can’t serve animals if you don’t take care of your own needs first, and you’re a human animal anyway. We’re all connected, om shanti shanti shanti.
- Never judge others who aren’t vegan because you don’t know where they are on their journey. If someone cooks you a non-vegan dinner or buys you a wool sweater, you are a terrible person for speaking up. It’s better to be kind and just accept it. Animals don’t want conflict either, people. #compassion
- This one is the most important: Don’t worry about making any big changes to your lifestyle. You’re older, wiser, and know that some journeys take longer than others. There are tons of exceptions to eating fully vegan, like your blood type and if you live on a deserted island, so be easy going about it. You’ve still probably saved a bunch of animals over the years, and the rest are killed more humanely. What animal could argue with that?
These are just a few of the ways you can explore what veganism can do for you. After all, 2036 is just around the corner. Don’t forget, it’s totally okay if you exploit animals sometimes because we all do! Tires and plastic bags aren’t vegan, so nobody is perfect. Little steps add up to the big picture, and if we don’t get bigger cages and stricter laws enforced for animal abusers, then we might as well not be vegan. Companies are expected to make big changes for us, but if we reduce our intake enough, we’re already going above and beyond the norm. Allow us to congratulate you, because you’re an ethical vegan now.
We hope you’re able to see the incredible hypocrisy in things like the parody above. When articles like these are promoted as “veganism,” animals are forgotten. It’s not a diet, lifestyle, or wellness program. When you’re ready to forget about your journey and focus on the victims, here’s how to go vegan.