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S’milk campaign is S’obscene

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Milk sold in 241 schools across Newfoundland and Labrador is being rebranded to hook the cool kids.

CBC reports that The School Milk Foundation has capitalized on World School Milk Day and our children by launching a “radical” new product; S’milk. Don’t worry, it’s the same baby cow growth formula they’ve been peddling to kids forever. It’s just got a fancy new label that screams “sales are tanking and fun names and packaging is the only way we know how to trick young people.” Seriously, s’milk is embarrassing. A weaker portmanteau hasn’t existed since “chillax.”

“We called it S’milk, which i guess is short for school milk or super milk,” Wayne Simmons, chair of the School Milk Foundation in the province, told CBC. “We wanted to do a rebrand, we hadn’t done one in 10 years.” It’s sort of like grocery stores putting chocolate bars around children’s eye level at the checkout. It doesn’t actually require having a ethical product, just a strong PR team.

And nothing says SUPER quite like Buddy the Puffin and Juno award-winning band The Swinging Belles, both making appearances at the WSMD event that kicked this terrible campaign off. Kids probably didn’t notice the politicians in attendance, but they were there, likely lurking in the shadows.

“The excitement here today was unbelievable and I hope it continues and hopefully we’ll see more kids drink more milk,” Simmons said, probably rubbing his palms together maniacally. 95% of students from K-12 are being brainwashed that this discounted school milk is local, sustainable, and extremely important for them to ingest. But it’s not hard to see that keeping the income of 241 schools is the reason for this lame marketing ploy.

I can’t believe they passed on the opportunity to call it “malk.”

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