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The Metro: Posting Anti-Vegan Propaganda For Everyone

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There was an article published recently in the Metro called “The Rise of the Vanity Vegan: Ruining Veganism for Everyone.” The author, Alice Sholl, followed it up the day after with a piece about some “sexy wolf” boxer shorts that would “ensure that your next date on Tinder is a success.” The day after that, a piece about how shoes hurt your feet. You know you can trust someone’s expertise on veganism when they choose to flank their article with male underwear and high heels. In case you didn’t know, that’s when you’ve hit the jackpot. That’s the big one. It’s where we’ve all been going wrong. Well, I’ve learnt something and turned over a new leaf – my next piece is going to be about vegan breath mints, and how to ensure the success of your Tinder date with breath mints, because the Metro have clearly gotten veganism so right

Oh wait, no they haven’t at all – it’s a clusterfuck. Apologies to everyone who thought they would be getting dating advice. As it turns out, Alice Sholl hasn’t a clue what she’s talking about. At least with respect to veganism, although I have a feeling she’s overestimating her expertise on dating too. Wolf undies guarantee success… really?

Anyway, Alice spends the entirety of her article maintaining that ethical veganism is about “social status” and money. She coins the term “vanity vegan,” and states that these point-scoring vegans “ruin it all for everyone.” Has your breath been taken away yet? No? Prepare thyself. She goes on to say that “vanity veganism” is about “buying into a contest,” where there is “no limit” to how much animal exploitation you refuse to participate in. She complains that you have to avoid meat, and then you have to avoid eggs and dairy, and then – shock, horror – you have to consider your cosmetics? No, Alice isn’t having this. She doesn’t agree with the idea that you have to be a “level 5 vegan” or “not bother at all.” She wants veganism to be something that doesn’t represent veganism in the slightest. She’s complaining that vegans aren’t non-vegan (what a tasty logic pretzel), while simultaneously claiming that non-vegans can be vegan… while still using animal-products.

Alice admonishes ethical vegans for being more about our “own personal achievement” as opposed to finding “practical ways of reducing the suffering of animals.” It’s all just a “competitive way to broadcast your morality – but only if you have the time and money to do so.” Yes, that’s right – Alice claims the idea that vegan diets are cheaper than conventional diet is “bullshit.” It’s apparently easier to consider the fundamental rights of others when “money is no object,” and respecting fundamental rights is contingent on your bank balance. She warns that “doing it on the cheap” (by not consuming vegan processed foods that are unnecessary anyway) could lead to “malnourishment.” You’ve got to be a real world class chef to not die as a vegan on a budget, says our Alice. Anyone who says any differently has “never been exposed to the world of cheap processed meat” – which is apparently the way to go if you’re poor. Instead of buying affordable whole-grains, vegetables, beans, pulses, seeds, and fruits (all you need to be a healthy vegan), you should make your kids “spaghetti bolognese using cheap frozen mince” because that’s a lot cheaper than “cooking the same meal using specialist meat replacements.” That’s great, Alice. As well as being ethically irresponsible through the promotion of speciesism and subjective morality, you’re also irresponsible with health issues. Is there any more shit we can pile on to this Metro mess? Unfortunately so…

“One-upmanship.” That’s right – one-upmanship. That’s all veganism is to ethical vegans, where the vegan neighbourhoods “tend to be more well-off ones.” Apparently it’s easy for us “vanity vegans” to “sneer at vegetarians – or indeed other vegans – for drinking beer laced with animal products while there’s a vegan craft beer dispensary” down our road. Wait, what? We’re back to Alice’s logic pretzel again. Vegans who drink beer laced with animal products? Alice… Alice… I think you’ll find those people are called non-vegans. You see, saying to people that you’re a vegan while simultaneously consuming animal products, is like saying that you that you’re a feminist while simultaneously raping women. And on an unrelated matter, I’m not aware of anyone becoming vegan on account of there being a craft beer dispensary in the near vicinity. Are you sure it might not be because, you know, when we’re not vegan we’re inflicting unnecessary suffering and death? When we’re not vegan we’re denying the inherent value of the sentient beings we claim to recognise? When we’re not vegan we’re denying the existence of the fundamental right all sentient beings possess not to be used as a resource, on account of our shared fundamental interests in not suffering and continuing to exist? Do you think those factors might have something to do with it, Alice? Unfortunately for us, your duplicitous stupidity hasn’t quite ended.

Tofu. “Have you ever tried finding decent tofu in your average Tesco Express?” she cries. If you haven’t, Alice would have you believe that this is a good enough reason not to be vegan. You know, just like how the shortage of single adults in your area is good enough reason to engage in an exploitative sexual relationship with a child, right Alice? How silly of me – whether or not you choose to engage in the unjustifiable exploitation of animals depends on your access to “decent tofu”… of course. Because heaven forbid, you might actually have to buy some vegetables or legumes.

Her final lesson tells us that if we’ve “got what it takes, there’s nothing wrong with pursuing something that you consider to be better for the world,” but if you haven’t got “decent tofu,” or a “craft dispensary” down your street, feel free to call it quits and continue to engage in rights violations. Similarly, using Alice’s logic, if you haven’t got access to a “decent” black lives matter sign, feel free to engage in racism. If you haven’t got a “decent” gay friend, feel free to oppress the LGBTQI community. If you haven’t got access to a “decent” abortion clinic, feel free to deny every woman’s right to bodily integrity and autonomy.

This sort of vacuous codswallop is exactly what you get when you add to society 1 cup welfarist ideology, 2 cups business interests, and season with narcissism to taste – the abandonment of any concept of fundamental morality and the perpetuation of self-ordained human supremacy. Alice Sholl ate that cake and threw it up all over her Metro article. The idea that one can “reduce the suffering” of animals without being vegan, or that “reducing suffering” is somehow all we owe to animals (thanks to 200 years of animal welfarism) demonstrates a profound disconnect from the realities of animal property status, as well as showcasing in flashing lights how little people connect their moral concern for animals to any concept of solid, fundamental rights. We must change this through building an abolitionist movement and educating those with the requisite moral concern – thankfully for us, that’s the majority of people.

As far as you’re concerned, Alice – stick to what you know. I’d give those wolf-print underpants a whirl, but if your relationship advice is as reliable as your animal ethics, I think i’ll pass.

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  • alexlonghurst87@gmail.com

    Fucking vegan twats

    • Kate FitzGibbon

      So much better to be responsible for injustice, torment and death and all the inevitable repercussions: environmental disaster, world starvation and terrible health.

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