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A Lonely Vegans Guide To Christmas (A Parody)

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With the holiday season upon us and Santa’s night of mass break-ins getting ever closer, I thought I’d put together a little survival guide. First things first, it’s important to distance yourself from anyone that tells you being alone at Christmas is hard. In doing so it’ll ensure that you are in fact, alone at Christmas, but that’s not the point. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

If you find yourself being invited to parties, holiday get-togethers, or other sorts of social activities involving unnecessary human contact, refuse. Any self-respecting vegan knows that your own company, is the best company. Burn the invites, stay in your pyjamas, and watch Home Alone on repeat. No, not the 3rd, 4th, or 5th sequel, what’s wrong with you? That shit is a train-wreck. Stick with the first two. When the loneliness starts kicking in after a day or so, fight it. When you can’t hold back the tears, that’s when we bring out the big guns – Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure. You’ll be too busy crying over how bad this movie is to even consider your own feelings. Trust me, this is my secret recipe for repression (and resentment, but who cares about that, right?)

If you do end up in the unfortunate circumstances of a get-together, it is best to be prepared for all eventualities. You’ll need pepper spray, silly-string, flash grenades, rope, and the words to “all I want for Christmas (is a vegan world)” memorised. Bring your best singing voice with you – it doesn’t matter if you can sing. By best I simply mean loud. Loud enough to either clear a room, or stun those in the room to silence.

Below are some possible scenarios with the appropriate responses:

Situation: A group of merry revellers are talking loudly about their favourite holiday food of death.

Response: Mount a table or chair between them and sing. This is what you memorised those words for. It’ll bring their conversation to a speedy end.

Situation: Someone corners you into conversation and makes a joke about veganism.

Response: Quick-draw your silly string out of its holster and plaster that fucker in the face with stringy justice. Who’s the joke on now?

Situation: A genuinely interested partygoer approaches you with questions about veganism.

Response: Shout “it’s not food it’s violence” in their face and run away.

Situation: You’re at the buffet table picking at some celery sticks. A smart-arse next to you decides it’s funny to wave a fried chicken-wing in your face.

Response: Threaten the prick with pepper spray. If the torment doesn’t cease, use it. You gave fair warning.

Situation: A group of non-vegans are assaulting you from all sides with snide remarks and you can’t escape.

Response: You have a flash grenade. Pull the pin, lob it into the group, and take cover. The dazzling light will give you some time to weave through the crowd and escape out the window with the rope in your bag. On your way out, make sure to do some effective advocacy work like all the hipster vegans are doing these days in supermarkets. Place vegan food on top of all the non-vegan buffet food so that people are confused and don’t understand what you’re trying to say. This is helping animals.

Rinse and repeat these techniques through the holiday season and you’ll get through this difficult and miserable time just fine. Next week we’ll take a look at how to repel your crush at Christmas. FYI – it’s easy. Be a caring, thoughtful, and attentive person. That shit freaks people out these days.

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The above, amongst other things, is a parody on the counterproductive antics of DxE and “supermarket advocates.” Be sure to use every opportunity this Christmas to advocate unequivocally for veganism in a peaceful and non-violent way. If you haven’t read Eat Like You Care and Animal Rights The Abolitionist Approach yet, these books will ensure your efficacy as an advocate for the end of animal exploitation. The animals need us to be well versed in abolitionist theory if we are to advocate effectively for them. If you have read them, they make great gifts for friends and family who wish to know more about veganism and why we need to be vegan.

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