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Vegan eats fish after aunt says it’s not meat for the fourteenth time

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TORONTO,ON – The vegan police are set to press charges against a vegan man after a family get-together turned fatal.

After politely declining his aunt’s gefilte fish for the thirteenth time at Monday’s first Passover seder of 5777, Elijah was put under duress in front of all sixteen of his adult family members and a rumoured eight more unwed, young adults forced to sit at the kid’s table. 

Witness’ have confirmed that even before Elijah could consider chanting “fish are friends, not food,” a piece of the traditional death-loaf was added to his plate. The accused proceeded to eat the gefilte fish, only quieting murmuring “oy vey” a few times. 

An investigation is underway to determine whether or not he ate the fish out of guilt, the need for protein, or if Elijah’s aunt has indeed discovered a secret about eating fish.; they’re are totally okay with people using their deaths to celebrate life because they’re not meat.

Vigils are being held for the carp, pike, mullet, and whitefish that were sacrificed.

Pictured: Vegan Gefilte Fish 

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  • Craig

    WTF is this fake news? Where you at this family dinner? How does one hear about this kind of stuff?

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