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Kickstarter for vegan antidote surpasses goal

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What started as a simple “hey, you know what would be great?” conversation over dinner will soon become the most talked about pharmaceutical.

The Vegan Antidote is a fast acting serum that’s helping people overcome their desire to end the exploitation of animals. After surpassing it’s Kickstarter goal of one billion dollars, manufactures will begin rolling out the over the counter drug to yoga studios nationwide in late 2017.

The innovators behind this miracle drug are the last remaining buddies of a previously competition-eating enthusiast frat of steak and potatoes devotees. Dan and Mitchell found motivation to create the antidote in the fear that one of them would be next to start advocating for avocado on everything.

“I remember delighting in the variety of organic sprouts available at my local grocery store, and thinking if we didn’t act fast, I’d be next” said Mitchell of his fear of veganism. The two had lost countless friends and family members to the green side, and knew their badminton scholarships would be at risk if they decided to forgo protein forever, too.

So like all great quick rich schemes, the boys made themselves a basement office and got to work. The antidote would be tested as pills, injections, and inhalers before the pair landed on super-soakers to ensure they could spread help effectively, especially to those who didn’t know they needed it. The serum is comprised of rich nacho cheese, sprinkled with denial, and a healthy serving of a mother’s guilt. Trials initially cost the two entrepreneurs a lot in dry cleaning bills.

It wasn’t until Big Ag caught wind of the invention that the antidote got proper funding. “We knew that investing in the antidote meant investing in the future of our children” said Dale Dairy, a Big Ag Board Member and Dairy Farmer. “We’d sunk much more into Ag gag cases, advertising, and phoney nutritional guides that weren’t having an effect on the number of vegan restaurants opening.”

The boards experience and reach has broker’s predicting it’s release will makes Viagra’s popularity appear flaccid in comparison. This was supported by the research of a market research where participants selected veganism as the biggest bedroom buzzkill.

The Vegan Antidote will retail for $2.49 per litre (around the same price as milk). With proper aim, a litre should cure approximately 4-6 health food vegans, but only 1-2 level tens. Side effects include indifference, greed, and a greater risk for certain cancers. 

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