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This week in the veganverse IV

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It might make these veganverse weekly recaps more entertaining if you imagine them being read the way they were written–with the speed of an angry message board commenter and the sass of someone who just remembered she still has one and a half VEGO bars left from her last trip to the EU. Let’s look beyond the headlines together!

IKEA makes more funky looking faux-meat for weary vegan shoppers

Real talk, the IKEA veggie dog everyone is getting excited about looks like four or five of their vegan meatballs smushed together into a log (translation; not too appetizing). I’d definitely probably still order it. Apparently they haven’t released a full toppings report though, so there’s still a chance these will just become a vessel for animal products. But maybe if enough vegans stage a love-in at their local IKEA, something that would be exceedingly simple with their staged bedrooms that are a step up from mine, they’ll add just one more option to appease vegan shoppers. Never mind their non-vegan rugs, we just really want to get dinner at a furniture store. 

If you’re a time-travelling 1970’s porn star, your underwear probably isn’t vegan

Apart from a surprisingly red $65 pair of men’s briefs from Nordstrom’s that my co-worker found online, I don’t know a soul rocking silk underwear. Nevertheless, Metro fulfills it’s daily duty of turning one or more people off of veganism through fear tactics with the shocking news that animals products hide in our clothing and beauty products. It makes me kinda sorta wish this could launch the #commandofortheanimals campaign of my dreams though. Keep your skivvies animal free folks, stick to cotton.

Quartz still sucks

I don’t know how many times is too many times to pick on Quartz, but a piece on how our treatment of animals is stalling human progress feels like someone yelling ME, ME, ME! The Sentience Institute blogger seems well intentioned (as most welfarists do) speaking about moral relativism and how it might get us “clean meat” but how that doesn’t incorporate all beings into our moral social circle. But they lose me when artificial intelligence for robots comes up before veganism does (veganism never does, actually). I’m sorry but you cannot claim to speak for the animals best interests if the conversation does not include our obligation to go vegan. 

Vegan truffles win Easter

It might be the only western holiday where the fictional mascot is an exploited animal, but Easter can be fun for vegans, too! In a blind taste test of 142 Easter themed chocolates, a cardboard egg-shaped box holding hazelnut dark chocolate truffles took top pick. I mean, prizes were also given out to a milk chocolate shaped egg sandwiches and those gold foil milk chocolate bunnies, but VEGANS STILL WON! Maybe my sarcasm doesn’t come across well, but I’m kind of tired of “vegan news” latching on to such insignificant “wins”. Everyone over ten years of age already knows dark chocolate is superior, it’s not an animal-rights issue. We just need someone to make a vegan version of ‘mini eggs’ already.

Farmer has vegan agenda shoved down his throat by Gene Baur

Tim Trotter may sound like the name of a horse whisperer, but he’s just the humble executive director of a farm cooperative that represents 800 midwestern farms on federal dairy policy. So while Scam McShilerton would be more appropriate, this man thought it’d be a good idea to write an op-ed piece for The Hill to debate Gene Baur on federal food policy. Baur, who argues that animal exploitation is inefficient (not immoral, just inefficient) and relies on Government dollars for profitability (true say) is met with predictable drivel that reduces the fight for change to “looniness”.  It’s the war of the confused op-eds, and my op-ed is that they should both shut up. Until people fight for fundamental justice for the animals forced to participate in this horrific cycle, both sides are essentially arguing for a more efficient way to do the wrong thing. And I don’t know if my google alerts can take it.

PETA thinks playing with meat is funny

What happens when PETA teams up with a former-Vine celebrity? A comedy sketch that is as disturbing as it is unfunny. When Amanda Cerny isn’t playing to the patriarchy with slow motion hair flips and chest shots, she’s demonstrating how the metals, chemicals and additives in ground meat, chicken breasts, and shrimp can be used in place of household cleaning products. Yes, handfuls of ground (likely faux) meat are used to wash windows under the shockingly absent minded theme of using meat for anything but eating. Really, PETA? I’m not laughing out loud as they ensured I would, I’m only keeled over because this predictably objectifying, donation-begging, victim-overlooking confusion is starting to physically hurt me.

Milk propaganda isn’t just for kids

The Economic Times knows the sun is setting on my twenties and they have the solution to fighting the sag of my skin and my fears of facing my inevitable death by getting life insurance. I mean, not really though, they just tell anyone who is 30 to drink milk. So while I wanted to respond by recreating the ‘Ode to Joy’ cover but with the clever new lyrics of “DRINK MILK, HATE LIFE,” I actually read through long enough to see this is all just a calcium conversation. Cool, ET, I’ll worry about my bones as I slip into old age and you can go back to worrying about….I dunno…economics?

OBLIGATORY THREE DEGREES OF STAR WARS BONUS! Rooney Mara was considered to play Jyn Erso in Rouge One back in 2016. The (allegedly, I’ve been let down before) vegan celeb is now coming out with a line of high-end, ethical vegan clothing. Cool! Too bad she didn’t do Star Wars, we might have seen some galaxy far, far away styled pieces. AND Mara’s vegan beau, Joaquin Phoenix, is also pro-animals and anti Star Wars. That’s fine, there’s other vegan power couples to invite on a double date, I guess.

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Don’t blame vegans for the shame you feel about using animals

The shame Carly Lewis claims veganism casts over her is more likely the ghosts of moral uncertainty, spectres that are more likely fish than cows, wondering how morality can possibly be used as ammunition in favour of murder.

Beyoncé and Jay-Z sell out veganism for ticket giveaway

Veganism deserves better than constantly being considered something to be bribed, dared or loosely entered into.

Month one of “the year of the vegan”

News outlets are abuzz with the promise of new vegan products, celebs, and services and how that is somehow a fresh affirmation that our world is one turn closer to being fully free from animal use.